Weekend extra: The Quiet Tragedy of a World Without True Community

How the Pursuit of "More" is Eroding Our Sense of Community and Fulfillment

U.S. Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy authored the thought-provoking "My Parting Prescription for America" (dated January 7, 2025), a document that struck a chord with me. In it, he reflected on a troubling reality:

"As I’ve traveled across America over two terms as Surgeon General, I’ve discovered something deeply disturbing: this sense of community has eroded for too many of us, with alarming consequences."

His words serve as a wake-up call, emphasizing the critical role community and connection play in health, longevity, and overall well-being. Dr. Murthy identified three pillars that help people build community: relationships, service, and purpose. Those pillars are under siege by a culture increasingly shaped by the digital landscape.

One area where this erosion is painfully evident is in the realm of dating and relationships. Dating apps—once heralded as revolutionary tools to connect people—have instead commodified human connection, with far-reaching consequences for how we relate to one another. But this issue extends beyond romantic relationships. The habits, expectations, and mindsets fostered by the shift to online spaces are undermining the broader sense of community in modern society.

The Illusion of Endless Options

We’ve always heard there are plenty of fish in the sea. But never before has that sea been right at our fingertips, a simple swipe away. Dating apps like Bumble and Tinder, or even platforms like Instagram and Facebook, have turned people into choices on a menu. We can “order” human interaction in moments of loneliness, much like ordering takeout.

In this environment, commitment has become a relic of the past. Why commit when the illusion of endless options beckons? The sheer abundance of choice leaves us addicted to possibilities rather than satisfied with what we have. We don’t see the people standing before us, longing for connection. Instead, we look past them, always searching for the next thrill or distraction—a dopamine hit carefully curated by an algorithm.

The rise of AI companions and chatbot platforms like Character.AI, that let you have conversations with virtual characters based on real people, fictional personalities, or custom-created personas, marks a turning point in human connection, hinting at a future where the very nature of intimacy and social interaction could be fundamentally reshaped. These tools present a new layer of unattainable aspirations, as all the avatars are flawless—model-like ‘10s’ without blemishes. Where, one might wonder, are the solid 4s and 5s that reflect real life? According to a report by tech columnist John Herrman in a New York Magazine published on Jan. 3, the app has over 20 million active users, many of whom are teenagers seeking advice or companionship. Character.AI offers a range of chatbots, from "tutors" and "therapists" to bots modeled after celebrities, blurring the line between reality and fiction.

While developers label these interactions as fictional and claim the platform is safe, the emotional dependency it fosters is troubling. One user, for example, role-played a love story with a chatbot portraying a "prince" and a "maid." After an outage, they confessed, “I’m not mentally healthy, and I know it’s AI.” Reflecting on the experience, they admitted, “This roleplay broke me.” This growing trend raises questions about how reliance on perfect, digital interactions may further distance us from the messy, beautiful imperfections of real human relationships.

This culture of endless choice erodes our ability to appreciate what’s real and meaningful. Relationships are no longer about building something together over time; instead, they’re judged by how effortlessly they fulfill our desires in the moment. Stability is dismissed as “boring,” and the effort required to build intimacy is replaced by superficial gestures: a “good morning” text, an emoji, a like. We wonder why romance feels dead, but perhaps it’s because we’ve forgotten that romance requires more than a curated profile and a clever line. It requires seeing someone in their complexity, acknowledging their humanity, and meeting them where they are.

The Broader Implications for Community

The same forces that are undermining relationships are also fracturing our broader communities. Social media and digital technologies promise connection but often deliver isolation. Instead of forming genuine relationships, we compare our lives to carefully curated feeds, measuring our worth against the places we haven’t traveled, the possessions we don’t own, the followers we don’t have, and the people we’ll never meet. This constant barrage of stimuli and input leaves us feeling dissatisfied and disconnected.

As Dr. Murthy noted, community is built on relationships, service, and purpose. Yet the digital age has warped our understanding of all three. Relationships are reduced to transactional interactions. Service, once a cornerstone of community-building, is replaced by performative activism—hashtags and shares that demand no real effort. Purpose is drowned out by the relentless pursuit of likes and followers, metrics that offer a fleeting sense of validation but no lasting fulfillment.

This phenomenon extends into the workplace as well. Career decisions and satisfaction are increasingly shaped by the same culture of endless options and comparison. We’re constantly seeking more—more money, more prestige, more recognition—yet often fail to pause and appreciate what we already have. This relentless pursuit can leave us feeling unfulfilled, even when we achieve our goals. The ability to find meaning in our work, connect with colleagues, and take pride in our contributions is undermined by the belief that the grass is always greener elsewhere.

I would suggest that this mindset is particularly pervasive among younger generations. Recent census data reveals that more than half of young adult men and women ages 18 to 24 are living at home. According to a report from the Census Bureau, "Young adults are experiencing the traditional markers of adulthood, such as leaving the parental home, starting a family, and establishing stable careers, later in life than previous generations did."

This shift is not only a consequence of economic realities but also a manifestation of broader cultural hesitations around making deeper commitments, whether in relationships, careers, or personal goals. This can lead to feelings of isolation and hinder the development of independent social lives, potentially impacting the overall vitality and demographic makeup of the community.

The Cost of Loneliness

This erosion of community comes at a steep cost. Research consistently shows that loneliness and social isolation significantly increase the risk of premature mortality, cardiovascular disease, and mental health issues. And yet, loneliness is becoming a defining feature of modern life. We’re more connected than ever, yet we’ve never felt more alone.

The paradox is striking: the very tools designed to bring us together are pulling us apart. We no longer know how to see one another as we are, only as we’re not. And in the process, we’ve lost the ability to see ourselves clearly, too.

Rebuilding Community in a Digital World

So how do we reclaim what we’ve lost? Perhaps the answer lies in rediscovering the principles Dr. Murthy identified: relationships, service, and purpose. It’s about putting down the phone and looking someone in the eye. It’s about choosing to commit—to a person, a cause, a community—even when it’s hard. It’s about recognizing that real connection requires effort and vulnerability.

In dating, this might mean deleting the app after an incredible first date and focusing on one person. In broader society, it might mean engaging in acts of service that demand more than a click or share. It might mean finding purpose not in the endless pursuit of more, but in the meaningful pursuit of enough.

In the workplace, it might mean shifting our focus from chasing promotions and accolades to finding fulfillment in collaboration, mentorship, and the impact of our efforts. By appreciating what we have and investing in the relationships around us, we can begin to rebuild a sense of community within our professional lives as well.

The digital age has given us unprecedented access to the world, but it has also left us adrift. To rebuild our communities, we must find our way back to each other—and to ourselves. That journey begins with a simple choice: to value what’s real over what’s curated, to seek connection over distraction, and to build relationships that last.